I'm just don't want to be bother again!

Honestly, if i could cry, i would be pouring out tonight. I don't know why i'm such an idiot. My day start with a very bad feeling bout everything. I'm felt that i'm pushing into things so bad i didn't even realised that i'm back to my old self again. I've told myself that i'm happy with what i have and what i'm but things got screwed up last 2 nights when out of nowhere i just flipped. I felt so lonely that made me looking for someone. Btw, i didn't have sex or actually met someone. Just that i thought that i met that special someone. Then, i'm back to reality again. Get emotional and stupid stuff again. If i could drink, i would be so drunk and god know what i've done. I even feel rejected by everyone and by myself. I wish i could be happy forever with everything that i have and not feeling of having someone. But i would be in denial ending up not being honest. That's shit!
I ended up being a fool for a whole day. Trying to cheer up myself but it gets me so bad that i was screwed. I performed so badly by taking short cut ended with a remark from the chef. It was my fault coz i just wanted to end the day so bad. I had to redo all over again. Thank god, i get my grip back and managed to do it a lot quicker. I'm still quick even feeling depress.
Anyway, when i'm gonna listen to my little voice for not being foolish by my own feeling, i don't know.
Right now, i missed talking with anyone who really know me, that's my friends instead of my cig.
Hope that, i would be better by the next day. I don't want my cortisol level goes up. And feel upset.
I made myself to this well, and have to start climbing back up again. I don't know when i'm gonna stop this. I want to complete myself with the one that i have right now. Not wanting to have somebody else to complete me. Just too tired for this shit. Too tired, again!