Hopping for the best!

It's been busy and tough day for me. Knowing that tomorrow would be a hard day, makes me thinking bout everything. But i've strong, hoping that it would not be that bad. Hurricane katrina been upgraded to category 5. The max! Huh! Worries? A little bit. Excited? Yeah! Sad? Yup, to those people at superdome. Hoping they will b okay. I've been working for 13hours today. Cooking 3 meals. Trying to keep myself busy not to think what's going to happene and people back home in malaysia. Hope that they know i'm doing fine here. Nothing to worry about.
The wind getting stronger n the rain has stopped. But soon it'll start again. I guess that's nothing to say. My mind just goes blank. But i'll write back tomorrow. Hope that we gonna b safe.

She's coming to town!

Ok. I'm might loose interest writing this blog, not bcoz of my busy schedule which i'm not, but bcoz of i have to type using my mobile phone. It just killing me! Anyway, the past weeks were okay, mentally, (although i had few breakdown, but it was fine, just that i'm frustrated with something that i don't want to write about) and physically. I met up with some malaysians in new orleans which i hadn't been in contact for months, we had dinner at their place and met up with a malaysian girl, Farah and an indon, hani. It was a good dinner by the way.
Later in this week, farah and me hang out in downtown and we pretty much click, but i know we can just be a good friend not more than that. The reason that is, i've made up my mind not to be involved with all the shit called love. Fuck it!
We had conversation bout how we both 'love' orleans and stuffs like work. She just finished her master in int'national law and her family is here. We both from johor and her kampung is at batu pahat too. It's a small world afterall! Anyway, it's nice to know someone that i can talk malay with and "mencarut" like "babi sial" with her (swearing with bad words). Haha!
Other news, new orleans need to be evacuate starting from today. Hurricane katherina is coming to pay a visit after she wipped florida's ass last thursday. I'm gonna stay in the hotel for few days. And need to start packing soon after my laundry done. Which not gonna be soon, coz i have a lot of stuff to wash. Damn those cum stains, it won't come off!
This would be the first time i'm experience this evacuation, it sounds fun but worry shit coz my stuffs in my room. I live at the attict if u don't know. Where i'm going to keep my porn, i don't know. Anyway, at the hotel just now we had to move some food stuffs from the basement (where the storeroom is) to the 3rd floor. It was hectic. But good, coz by the end of this week, my paycheck would be huge $$$ *ka-da-ching! Overtime! I may sound selfish but i'm sorry, i need money!

FUCK THEM ALL!!!

I had enough today! I'm mad with them!! I was being blamed for something that I didn't do or responsible at all.

Here it goes. Last Wednesday, by the time I got to work, on of the FAT ASS CHEF told me to mark on the steaks. It were bout 610 pieces. Which I did very good job on it, as usual. There were about 30 pieces on each rack. It was unsual because usually it should be only 25 pieces. I thought they had changed or something came up.

Today, I got in, and one of the morning cook told me that they fucked up with me because there are 30 pieces on each rack. They been bitching about me and most of the cooks knows it. I was furious and mad... I didn't get enough sleep because that I did overnight before that. And now they blamed me for something I didn't do at all. The one that make me so angry that, the FAT ASS CHEF knew that it wasn't my fault and he the one that said it was me! SON OF A BITCH!! Dah la gemuk lepas tu malas. Chef nie pemalas, buat kerja slow lepas tu bodoh lak tu. Hmm.. ni laa orang amerika, tak de tanggungjawab langsung... senang jee tuding jari kat orang lain. Mentang-mentang laa aku nie pendatang, senang dipersalahkan... Babi betul!! Chibai! Lahanat sundal!! Firaun!!! Geram betul...

ANyway, I'll get over it next few days. And for sure that I'll better watch out next time!!

My groceries!

I was awakened by the pounding sound in my house. The owner of the house that i renting changes. They are renovating the house right now. Damn! I need my sleep. Instead trying to sleep back, i went to do my weekly groceries. I just realised that i spend a lot of time comparing the food that i buy. Looking on the nutrition value and comparing with others. Instead 2% milk, i buy skim. Instead of skim, i bought soy. Much more healthy and they have discount right now for soy milk. Skim milk- 0g fat, 9g protein and 15g sugar. Silk soy milk plain- 4g fat (veg fat), 7g protein and 6g sugar. I don't mind about the protein coz i'm taking whey protein supplement. Without doubt, if somebody checking my grocery bags, they might think that i'm a freak! Yes, i am. Instead of sugary cereals, i'm buying whole grain cereals (my fav is kashi's go lean, it took me about half an hour to compare a bunch of cereals to pick the best among all) and oats. Instead normal orange juice, i'm buying low sugar oj. Non fat yogurts, Salad and fruits are a must. Low fat dressing (fat from olive oil) instead of normal dressing. Don't forget bout nuts. But i missed my snickers, i only can eat it once a month. Hey i got to do everything to keep my weight off. Now i'm 158 pounds. 2 years ago, 220. I'm thinking to become a nutritionist ( to get a degree in food management and nutrition) / chef. It would be great to help and change what people loose weight and eating.
I'm working overnight tonite and have to work again on friday afternoon. I would be in the hotel twice tomorrow for less than 24 hours. They screwed up my schedule again. But i wouldn't care coz my social life here is doom. No more yumcha at mamak.
Going to check my laundry! Later!

I'm just don't want to be bother again!

Honestly, if i could cry, i would be pouring out tonight. I don't know why i'm such an idiot. My day start with a very bad feeling bout everything. I'm felt that i'm pushing into things so bad i didn't even realised that i'm back to my old self again. I've told myself that i'm happy with what i have and what i'm but things got screwed up last 2 nights when out of nowhere i just flipped. I felt so lonely that made me looking for someone. Btw, i didn't have sex or actually met someone. Just that i thought that i met that special someone. Then, i'm back to reality again. Get emotional and stupid stuff again. If i could drink, i would be so drunk and god know what i've done. I even feel rejected by everyone and by myself. I wish i could be happy forever with everything that i have and not feeling of having someone. But i would be in denial ending up not being honest. That's shit!
I ended up being a fool for a whole day. Trying to cheer up myself but it gets me so bad that i was screwed. I performed so badly by taking short cut ended with a remark from the chef. It was my fault coz i just wanted to end the day so bad. I had to redo all over again. Thank god, i get my grip back and managed to do it a lot quicker. I'm still quick even feeling depress.
Anyway, when i'm gonna listen to my little voice for not being foolish by my own feeling, i don't know.
Right now, i missed talking with anyone who really know me, that's my friends instead of my cig.
Hope that, i would be better by the next day. I don't want my cortisol level goes up. And feel upset.
I made myself to this well, and have to start climbing back up again. I don't know when i'm gonna stop this. I want to complete myself with the one that i have right now. Not wanting to have somebody else to complete me. Just too tired for this shit. Too tired, again!

Am i for real?

Fake to feel full before my next meal.
Fake to reach orgasm when i masturbate
Fake to say this would be my last cigarette before i lit another one
Fake to give a hug eventhough i wouldn't care bout that person
Fake to say i did a good job after my work
Fake to eat last cracker before i ate the whole bag
Fake to put money in my saving account before i draw the money out the next day
Fake to enjoy listening the whole album just because of only one song
Fake to laugh to really bad joke
Fake to feel refresh after 4 hours sleep
Fake to feel good when i look at the mirror
Fake to say that i'm doing great but nothing that i achieved
Fake to say this would be the last dollar to spend for the week but next hour i would spend on something that i don't need
Fake to be working out later but instead watching tv for whole night
Fake to be sad bout something but inside i would be gloating like a mad man
Fake that i know nothing but just to make sure that i'm the only one knows bout it
Fake to say that i don't have money to those poor people but i have $50 in my wallet
Fake that i don't want to be anyone else other than me but would be dreaming of becoming someone else
Fake to act friendly but feel annoyed
Fake on giving advise that i'm the one who badly need an advice
Fake that i lost a pound but i gained two
Fake that i would be better the next day but i actually re-live the yesterday
Fake to be happy and cheery but crying inside
Fake to enjoy the movie just because i paid $6 for it
Fake to think i'm smart but actually clueless
Fake to forget bad things that happened but still regretting
Fake to believe that the world is a beautiful place where i couldn't care bout those people who struggle even to breath
Fake to be with friends but wanted to be alone
Fake to say yes, but meaning no
Fake to have good life but dead inside.
Faking somehow sums up the whole truth.

My tea not hot enough!

I'm insane! Incapable of thinking what i want! What i need! Urgh! Work is good though. Do i really need someone that makes me feel happy, feel wanted, feel in love, feel blessed and feel that i don't need anyone other then my lover? A lover or just a person that makes me feel great with? Friend or more than that? I don't want to feel rejected again. Thinking that i finally found someone, for sure makes me extremely feel happy. It feels like walking in clouds. But seriously, my cloud won't be there forever. It soon will gets cold and starts to rain. I even not so sure if there's a cloud or it just a thin gas that i assumed it might be a cloud. I'm not so sure what i am right now. Am i desprately need someone or it just a fling. I think i'm desprate, like those housewives in wysteria lane. Depraving for attention from someone that might care. Someone that might says 'l love you'. Or even someone that gonna share life together forever. I would dismiss all the thoughts by focusing on my career, but who am i kidding with? I'm kidding with myself. Telling myself that i don't need anyone other than myself. Lying to myself everytime i wake up in the morning. My life would be an empty mug, tea bag and sugar without hot boiling water. You can't enjoy the tea without the hot boiling water, i can't enjoy my tea without the hot boiling water. I can't get life without the passion of being in love and share the love that i have. Fuck life! I envy my tea.

Angry note for someone!

To all the spammer! You guys are stupid-asshole-dumbass-jackass-swiny-mother-fucker-sons of a bitch! I'm cursing ur life would be like a cancerous stray dog with no live! Die slowly with pain and burn in hell! Get a life will ya! Fucker!

Damn my digicam!

Alright, i did took a nap on my day off that wednesday and i took really long long nap. I woke up at 9 pm. So much so for my day off. Anyway, i the next day, went to bank and GNC bought some $80 worth of food supplements (i got $50 discount as a member). Got myself white mocha from starbuck and went straight home. All of that for less than 2 hours. Pitiful day!
Friday, start my day very early, 4am. Since i working overnight, i tend to wake up at very early day even i work at pm shift. In fact, i work on pm shift on friday. Nevermind what i did on that day, but i fulfill it with something good for myself. Working at pm shift feels really weird. The staffs that i don't usually mix with and the time passed so slow. Althought, it was busy but still the time was really dragging.
Saturday, had to work overnight again. I got attacked by these people. It was really busy. But i managed to hand down the situation! Yeah!
Sunday, my day off again! I hate weekends day off. Actually, i'm broke! I don't want to take out my cash in my saving. My mum called. We talked for awhile. I think that was the longest conversation we ever had since i got here. I did missed home. But not really much, just a tad. Later, i accidently droped my digital camera and it broke, something wrong with the lens. Fuck! I just had it repaired before. Damn! I'm sure the warranty expired. Another fuck! I'm going to get it fixed and eying on new cam. Hehe
Anyway, i don't feel anything that would be amusing for me to brag about for at least today. Need to catch my nap and fold my clothes. Just got back from laundry. Hmmm. Love that fresh linen smell.

Lose some, gain some. It's life!

It's my off day. The first day that is. Even i just got back from work 4 hours ago. Working overnight somehow, you feel that you lost one day from your 2 days off. That's kindda suck!
What's my plan for today? I was trying to get some nap, but what if i over slept, i would wake up at evening and lost one day from my days off. So i'm trying my best to be awake by writing this blog. I don't have plan for my days off. It's always been like that since i got here. There's nothing much to do here. I live a simple life. The only pleasure that i really enjoy on my off days is sipping cafe au lait and eating beignet at cafe du monde or grande caramel mochiatto (spelling?) at Starbucks. Somehow living in new orleans really makes me ignore those material stuffs that i indulged when i was back then in malaysia. No huge shopping malls, no cinema (the nearest cinema that playing latest commercial movies is at metairie or westbank, which i have to get 2 buses) and no those stuff that i usually do in malaysia. So i have all day to spend by listening on my own beating heart.
Maybe later on, i'll go to GNC to buy food supplements. Because i need to pump up and get big, more muscle mass, burn more calories. Come to think of that, it's a good thing that i don't have social life at all in new orleans so that i can workout more. If i keep my pace like this, by the time i get back to m'sia i will look different, and they can't make fun of me of being fat anymore! I'm so vain!
Last night, bunch of us, my close overnight staffs were asking me why i don't get any girlfriend over here so that i can spend my day with someone. I told them that even sometimes i really need someone but somehow i feel like i'm comfortable for being alone. And i'm not ready to share my pay check with someone yet! Hahaha.

Aiyoo!!

Complaining.. sometimes it is good to complain, it makes me feel human. Few months back, Mike (now he's gone to NYC) used to complain a lot about New Orleans especially our workplace. Both of us work overnight (different day). I used to be his ears for all the overthorw words and obviously I would said that "You complain a lot!" - althought in friendly kindda way. But now, look who's talking? I mean complaining! ME! Last Monday, I couldn't take it anymore stress, and I called him, Mike (by the way, we've been talking on the phone regularly, since he's been driving from California to NYC, it took him 5 days, now he is in NYC) and complaining to him. He start saying that I've been complaining a lot! Hahaha! It got me back! I don't mind him saying that, at least I can let out my revolting feeling to him by complaining. I'm not complaining about my job, I complaining about some New Orleans people that are picky, choosy and annoyingly behaviour. It's all about food! I'm tired of this shit. And at the moment, I don't feel like being nice to them (some of them), most of the times, I didn't even making eye contact with them and didn't say hi at all. I don't care what they think about me because I'm a bitch! hahaha...

Anyway, a night before that, I cooked a lot of meat! Flank steaks! It's wonderfully marinated with my secret ingredients, with 12 herbs (pronounced it as 'erbs', that's how American say, I don't know where the hell is the 'H' gone to) and spices... It's delicious, it's yummy and it's full of flavor.. that's some people told me... And out of no where, there'e one BITCH came to me and asking, "Hey my friend..." As soon as she says that, I would know that she wants something... "Yes?" I said. "Can you fixed me some hot wings and fries?" she asked. "No" I said. "Why?" she asked me again. "No!" I told her, again. "Ok, you don't have to do it, I'll do it myself. Can I?" she asked me again. Then, "No!" I replied. "Why?" again she asked. I think she kindda retarded. "The reason is very simple, it's NO! I have a lot of meat here, why don't you eat the meat?" I told her. Then she walk off. But then, she complained to the overnight manager about it. And somehow, he called me and requested for the hot wings for her!! That's it!! She just turned on my thermostat. I did fried some for her, and by the time she came to get it, she said thanks, but i said " NOOO... Thank you very much. By the way, what's your name?" I took my pen, look at her nametag and jotted down her name on paper towel. Than I told her, "I'm gonna give your lovely name to the chef, ok..? I think he needs to know who the person that required special treat or think like a diva" I smirked whole time... Muahahaha...

Last two morning, Fred was off. So came this Melanie. I hate when she's working in the morning. She's always asking me what to do for her prep and most of the time I just ignored it or giving her some nasty look, and she will says it's ok, she doing herself. But that morning, it was a wrong moment for her. First, by the time she got in, she greeted me "Morning, bitch!" Then I smiled.. Then she start checking her stuffs... and asking me to do this and that. I would do it, if she were like being nice. Then I told her, "Listen to me, bitch. You have to get it yourself, it's your stuffs by the way. I have to take my prep myself everynight and everyday I would fill up the whole prep for breakfast too... So don't asked me to take the pots for you coz it's your stuff." Then she was quiet for few moment. Then I said, "Alright! How many pots you want?" "Two" she said. So I went down and get it for her. As soon as I gave it to her, she's asking me again to go down again to take shrimps for her. And I just walk to the cooler and she's followed me. That moment, the chef was there, and me and my big mouth said "Hey Melanie, I ain't your bitch! Get it yourself!" The chef said "Nice, no no.. You don't have to do it for her." Hahaha.. Told ya!

Oh ya! The reason I'm a bit cranky because I was tired. It's been a busy nights.. That's all...

Oh by the way, I think Melanie is a very fake person. She's kindda being nice to everyone, but start bitchy behind. Happened to me, even just 3 hours ago. Selika told me bout that she's been talking about me behind my back! FUCK YOU, BITCH!! I kindda noticed it before, when she's been nice to the chef, but bitching about him to me. Saying this and that... I just listen to it...